In$0mN!A

2008-09-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

if only you knew what I do....
I'm ashamed. but I can't stop it, something keeps driving me to find out more, it's like a drug. I can't stop it, not now!
I have to find out more.

rehab

2008-09-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

it's not getting out of my veins, I can still feel it there, haunting me, hurting me. it just won't let go!
I lied, I'm not strong enough for this, I'm not ready to be free of it. this sweet deadly obsession of mine, I'm not yet ready to let it go.
The pain gets worse as the days pass by, I miss it more and more, and I can't find it so I start losing control and acting crazy. I curl up in bed and hold on to myself and drown in silent sobs, I'm afraid anyone might hear me, they'd think I'm still hung up on it, they'd think I'm not cured. And I've worked so hard to seem sober, sometimes I really think I am, but then it doesn't take long for that "longing" to start again.
just one more time, I think to myself, I don't care how much I hurt afterwards, it won't be more that I'm hurting right now! one more time and then just let me die, you see where I am? I don't care about anything anymore, I just want this pain to ultimately end.
I'm with it, it hurts. I'm without it, it hurts even more!
I wanna wake up one day and feel fine. I want to stop having to wake up to the sound of my own heartbeats drumming in my ears, sweat and tears running down my face. I wanna stop screaming in my sleep. I want to be OKAY!
is that too much to ask for?

2008-08-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

time after time I read her email, at first it was all a haze, then certain words seemed to get in focus; "I'm not the type of girl to fall for a guy this fast", " see/hear/FEEL you soon(er than you think)"...
and I realized for the first time that my instincts never lied to me!
he would have called me crazy if I told him I felt there was another girl! but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I need no more proof...
maybe to him he ended it when he talked endlessly about my not so flawless personality, when he told me tht there was no way of us ever being together, even though he'd just said that he was never going to love anyone like he loved me a few minutes earlier...
would I be crazy to think that it should at least take him sometime before he was ready to see other people (I don't care if she's from another country, or if she's a fling) I care that she said she couldn't sleep last night cause the sms he sent her flooded an ocean of emotions she didn't know she was capable of!
I don't care if he doesn't love her or if he still has a thing for me, I care that he got close enough to a girl that she could actually say this!
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, we aren't together anymore, well we haven't been for quite sometime. but we've been on and off for the past two years, and everytime he left he came back, and now I'm just wondering how many times he made a fool out of me! how many times did he have a fling when he was away then came back to me begging for one last kiss goodbye?! how many times did I CHOOSE to be blind?!
it hurts really badly
and I have no one to blame but myself!
goodbye
I was always good to you, I never did anything to hurt you
at least I deserved the decency of being honest with me
we were over a long time ago, and I never held on to you, you were the one who always came back, you stopped loving me a long time ago, but you just abused the love I had for you to fill your stupid emotional void!
of course you'll come running back to me, I know it, just like you did every time!
no one will ever love you the way I did! no one will ever care for you like I did... you'll realize that and you'll be back, but it'll just be too late
you know what? it's already too late! I know what you are. and I know I want nothing to have to do with you
you gave me a happiness I might never experience again, but you also caused me enough pain to make me never wanna trust anyone ever again!
you accused me of making your life miserable, and you were the only reason for my misery!
you said I didn't make you laugh, and the only thing you did was make me cry!
you've only been hurting me lately, and I've taken enough of your crap!
when you ended this, you asked me for the one thing you didn't give me "RESPECT" you didn't respect me when we were together, you went around doing stuff behind my back thinking what I didn't know couldn't hurt me... but guess what hun, I DID know! I know you too well, and I can tell when you're lying! I knew every time, EVERY GODDAMN TIME! but I just told myself I was wrong!
I asked you not to hurt me, but look what you did...
you could have left a better memory
you could have ended this without causing too many scars, you needed to give yourself a reason to stop talking to me, so you just came up with all that crap about my personalities being incompatible! we've been everything but incompatible since the day we met! and if we were so like you said, why the hell has it taken you two fucking years to break up properly with me?????!!!!
and you know what?! the thing is I KNOW this isn't over, because you've done it SO MANY times! but it's so different this time, I'm NOT crying over you
I won't any more!
I wasted too much of my life thinking you were worthed!
too much of my precious time

2008-08-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

cat fights, they're just not my thing.
everytime I argue with a friend I end up crying and feeling like shit, it makes no difference if we make up or not.
I hate problems, I'm not good at dealing with them. I hate falling out with people I know, it makes me realize how weak and helpless I am...

it's not my fault this time! I did nothing wrong, and I don't care you only chose ME out of all people to blame!

Insomniac, one more time

2008-07-04T07:27:00.000-07:00

I've been having some trouble sleeping for the past few days, lying in bed for hours eyes wide open with everything and nothing on my mind.
I suppose I'm making up for all those days my brain chose to shut down and send me to sleep every time things got out of hand. it's always the extremes in my case, I either sleep too much or hardly sleep at all.
I won't complain, though. life moves on no matter what...

-------

I used to play a little game when I was a kid, a make-believe game of my own. I used to imagine I was someone else I knew, my mom for example, and I used to put myself in her shoes and watch her all day long, everything she did I used to wonder how she felt about it, everything she said, I used to try to guess what she would say next! sometimes I thought to myself that if I concentrated hard enough I could actually BE her, see things with her eyes, hear things with her ears, think with her brain. and the actual me would just disappear into thin air. and it frustrated me not being able to blend my soul into hers! of course I was just a dumb kid who eventually grew up.
but if anything, that game taught me something, and that is to "feel" other people. maybe that's how I'd been all along and that's why I came up with the game in the first place. and maybe it got me used to putting myself into someone else's shoes every once in a while, see with their eyes and think with their brains.

I'm in your shoes right now, but it no longer feels like a game.

three two one

2008-07-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

-and I suppose it's gone from bulimia to anorexia! I haven't eaten in almost a week, lost myself a decent 4 kilos and I look like a walking skeleton... and the weird thing is, I have double the energy when I work out at the gym, I DON'T get tired, I could just go on forever!

-I've been having a lot of second thoughts about my life lately, about who I am -who I'm going to be- and about what I'm going to do this year and the next and the ones to come. I never seem to be able to come up with a plan, I suck at plans. but then again I suck at being random and spontaneous.

-a certain phase of my life is ending (hopefully) and for the first time in my life I'm WANTING to turn the page and start a new one. God give me the power to be strong.

I still get depressed a lot, I refused my doctor's offer to hook up with anxiolytics, I figured if I got used to them I'll never let them go

-I've decided to do my best to keep my friends, no more slip-ups, no more stupid mistakes. people do have an energy limit to what you do to them, after all...

2008-05-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

now's the time to make a stand
no more weakness, no more crying in the dark
I shall no longer surrender to that sweet scented sin.
I will be alone, and I won't care.
to hell with it all
to hell with it
just leave me alone, why can't you just leave me alone? if you don't love me anymore, and you don't want me back, why am I still an obsession to you? why do you ask me to be in your life then push me away? then why do you draw me back the minute I turn and walk away?!
what did I ever do to you?! why do you have to hurt me so much? I know you lie to me. I know that you're no longer the person I fell in love with, you just remind me of him sometimes, and that's my weakness, I still love him, but I don't love YOU!
please leave me alone. let me walk away with dignity. everytime you touch me now a part of me dies, a part that used to love you, and that used to love ME! you are hurting me more than you'll ever know.

2008-04-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

April fools day!
it's MY day today!
I have proven to be the biggest fool :D

the truth is revealed today, and it hurts too much that I can't help but smile right now
how could I have been so blind?!

2008-03-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

something urges me to call her...
I feel like I was unfair to her.
they're doing the same thing right now!
if anything, I should be mad at THEM, because they know the state I've been in lately!

2008-03-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

the pain is RAW!
I don't miss him. but seeing him HURTS! seeing how well he's managed to kick me out of his life and cope with it so well, seeing him close to all my close friends.
I'm under too much pressure, the pressure of dealing with being without him, and the pressure of acting like I'm fine with seeing him everyday when I'm not!
I have no energy in me for this, it's like I'm wilting, dying little by little everyday... I need to be away from him, from all of them. I can't take this anymore.

2008-03-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

in the dark I lay my head onto my knees and let the tears silently fall...
I can no longer explain the reason why my tears come, but I have learned to cope with them like a mother does with her handicapped child. my face has grown expressionless with a faint upside-down smile, the life in it (in me) has faded.
I keep myself busy, I try to work hard, I read, I paint, I work out (despite my chest condition) but the emptiness in my life keeps getting harder and harder to ignore... something is missing, a purpose to all that I do.
they say that humans are blessed with the ability to forget, I remember they way my grandfather smelled (a little bit garlicky), I remember how in KG I wanted my mother to buy me a pair of cheap yellow scissors like the one my classmate had, a pair of scissors that I later stole from her and watched her father beat her because she lost it, she is now one of my best friends.I never gave it back and I never told her. I remember the pain I felt when I overheard my best friend making fun of me to other girls in class, I remember a lot of things that I'd rather forget. and now I keep remembering the one single thing that I want to forget the most!
it takes time, with me it might take a lot... my mother always said it always took me a lot of time to do anything but once I did it I did it well... I may not be a fast learner, but I'm a good one.
and hopefully, this is one thing I might eventually learn to do; FORGET

2007-11-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

and I wish right now that all the people I know would suffer from amnesia!
I want them all to forget about "this" part of my life, I want them to forget the things I did and everything I said! I want the fool I've managed to make out of myself to be forgotten...
maybe if no one knows about my obsession, I would stop talking about it anymore! maybe if no one remembers, it will be too difficult to tell the story all over again!
I feel sorry for you, my friend, for having to go through this with me. I'm sorry you have to see the tears I cry every night, I'm sorry you have to see how pathetic I've become! I know you hate it, I know you hate the whining and the crying, and I know you are growing more and more sick of my attitude as each day goes by. I'm grateful you haven't yet said a word, but I know you will not be this patient forever!
I myself am getting sick of me!
I cannot believe the number of times I have made a fool out of myself! I think of it all every night and I can't help but wish I was dead before any of this had ever happened!
maybe if I was dead things would have been better for a lot of people, maybe I would have been thought of and remembered instead of being forgotten and considered a burden!
I know I'm on the verge of losing my sanity, shall I tell you the number of times I catch myself talking to the darkness in my room before I go to sleep? or maybe I should tell you of all the times I find myself crying so hard on the phone with one of my friends on the other side without them noticing! or the times my folks almost broke the bathroom door while I was in the shower, because they heard me crying- in a loud almost inhuman voice- and I wouldn't answer them!
most of the times I find myself surrendering to the tears, I let them come, I let them HURT, and I just don't stop unless I have to! other times I don't stop at all, I walk around the house with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes, and somehow my family has managed to selectively blind themselves to the sadness they see in me!
I have become weak, vulnerable and indifferent to everything that once mattered...
I'm rolling downhill and I'm not even reaching out my hands for help.
let me fall into the sweet darkness, nothing can hurt me there...

2007-11-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'm supposed to do when you ask me to stick around and be a good friend, when being your friend causes this much pain!
today I face the facts, and I see things for what they are not what I want them to be.
I have been postponing a death sentence, I have been stupid and naive to think I could change destiny if I willed it strongly enough. but I cannot undo what's meant to be...
the truth is kicking in now, settling, but the tears still fall.
every night I cry myself to sleep, every night I wake up to the nightmares, when I read I spend hours staring at the same line which eventually fades away and I'm blinded by the tears that start falling. I can't write, anything I write about ends up revolving around you. I am empty now that I don't have you and it hurts so bad to realize it

from a distance

2007-11-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

she watches him
a glass wall stands between them
how she would like to break through the glass, even if it cut her body in a million places
it wouldn't hurt like it hurts now
to watch him from behind glass
she wants to get to him
she watches in pain
he doesn't even see her
she lays her head on the glass wall and watches a tear roll down her reflected face
she can't get to him
he doesn't see her
he never will...

2007-11-08T15:55:00.000-08:00

"Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see…"

I remember when I saw the trailer for the movie "titan" I don't exactly remember which movie I'd gone to see, but I remember that I immediately liked the song and decided that I was going to see the movie, even though it was not Disney.

I also remember that when we were younger, it wasn't that easy to get a certain song that you liked, we didn't have the downloading option we have today, you couldn't get just a single song, you had to buy the whole tape.

I didn't know who sang the song, I didn't quite remember the words but I caught the tune right away, I remember that for weeks it was stuck in my head and I kept humming it over and over…

It was only later that my friend gave it to me on tape, now I have it on my ipod along with a hundred other songs that I usually skip when they play…

2007-10-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know why any girl would humiliate herself over a guy she loves!

feeling bad

2006-11-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

I was never suicidal,never in my life!
today I found myself thinking that it wouldn't be such a bad idea if a car run me over while I was crossing the street, or if I realized that it wasn't water I was drinking but cleansing solution. today I found myself not only unafraid of the idea of death, but actually welcoming it!!!
I'm scaring myself now
I've been depressed badly for the past few days, for logcal and illogical reasons. but all I can say is that I have been feeling very alone, resenting any kind of human company! I'm still feeling that way.
I don't feel like writing anymore.
I might go to sleep now. tomorrow, I might feel different (that's what I've been telling myself for the past week) or I might not wake up at all!

insomnia!

2006-10-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't thought about my blog's name in a while, I'd been sleeping very well for the past month. but today I found myself lying awake in bed, like the old days, with nothing but the computer screen in front of me, I found it compulsive to come and talk out the nothingness in my head!
life has been going well for me lately, apart from uni which I'm not at all taking seriously this year, every other thing in my life seems to be going fine. I fixed my problems with my boyfriend, I calmed the storms with me and my mother, I go out a lot, I work out whenever I want, I'm gaining a little weight (ramadan w keda) and I'm still throwing up but it's all manageable! I can't complain. I got my period twice this month so I hadn't really had much of a chance to bond with God, but I'm planning when it's over I'm gonna be good, insha2allah...
I've been thinking about some other stuff as well...
my sister has been nagging my mother like crazy for the past two weeks to let her see a psychiatrist, she's sociophobic (NOT antisocial!) she loves people, and she loves hanging out with them but she gets scared in gatherings, she gets tongue-tied and absolutely terrified, and it's been causing her hell lately. she didn't complain at first (and we thought she didn't mind ) because she was in school with the rputaion of the quiet girl who doesn't like talking to anyone, you talk to her and she'll look the other direction and you'll get the impression that she doesn't even hear you...(how painful is that?) well, I guess she found it easier to tolerate that reputaion thatn to try and talk poeple out of it or make a couple of friends and prove them wrong!
but now that she's been in uni a couple of years, she still doesn't have any friends, only a couple, but she doesn't go out with them and she doesn't talk to them on the phone, nothing (so do you really call them friends???)
it's a lot more complicated than that, but I'm too sleepy to get into more details, which I might do if I have the chance later...
I'll try to sleep now
I have uni tomorrow at 8, this is so not right!

what is this world coming to?!!

2006-10-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

I was out for iftar with my school friends last week, a kind of reunion with people I haven't seen for a long time, it was so good seeing them, seeing how much people have changed, and realizing how much I myself have changed.
it was a little strange to see almost all my friends graduated and working- poeple that, in my mind, are usually thought of with uniforms and school bags- some are working in computer companies, some in banks, but what I noticed is that most are working as teachers (!!!!)
and here's my first impression, okay, I understand an "alson" graduate to work as an english teacher for second graders, but what I don't get is, a girl who hardly passed in the faculty of commerce ALSO teaching english for young children, and in a highly respectable school!!!!
okay, please don't get me wrong, I'm not offending anyone here (and if it's anyone it's my friends) I'm just discussing something that struck me as "VERY DISAPPOINTING"!!
what is this country coming to?!
I know these girls who are now teachers, and I can tell you, three out of four know NOTHING about english rules, ya3ni mesh 3ashan bye3rafo ye3wego lsanhom w y7awlo yetkallemo zay el aflam el english, yeb2a y3allemo el 3eyal!!! what makes me really sad is that I sat and talked with my friend, who I think represents most of the young teachers in schools right now, all she seemed interested in was how "hot" the kids in prep and secondary classes were, and how "cool" the teachers were, they're all "our" age, w safleen mote, she regards the kids as "little devils", and he smart ones as "el da77a7een el 3o2ad" and she's proud that she treats them like shit in class , she likes the cute ones...
well, excuse me, I might seem a little exagerrating here but what my friend told me really shocked me! if these are the teachers teaching in our schools right now, then hell I don't want my kids going to school!
I'm not saying that kids should turn into "da77a7een w 3o2ad" or that teachers themselves should turn into that, God forbid! all I'm saying is: teaching is a VERY important job and should be taken seriously, because a teacher shapes children's futures! I don't know about you, but I used to idolize my english teacher when I was in second grade, and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been a ten year old with great writing abilites for her age. and I still blame my art teacher for "fadya fadya, ana 3yzaki temly el saf7a" had a great potential to paint a lot better that I do now...
I hope my friend is not an example to the teachers in schools right now, because if she is then God be with all children. I know our education system is corrupt as it is, but do you expect it to get any better if you get an "alson" graduate who was adaby in thanaweya to teach "science" for third graders?!!!
I know I might be taking this a little too seriously, maybe cause I was a "nerd" in school, and I'm in a faculty of the poeple who take education very seriously, if you're not from the top 200 then you're nothing!
pease, if you're a good teacher or you know any good teachers, tell me what I heard from my friends is not entirely true!

3 wishes

2006-10-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

if you had a magic lamp, and could get three wishes granted, what would they be?
note: you can't wish for more wishes!

breakdown

2006-10-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

well, someone said that when you hit the bottom, the only way left to go is up! obviously, they never lived my life!!!
it's like the past couple of weeks I've been going from bad to worse and it just doesn't seem to stop. I'm getting tired, I AM human afterall!!!!
I don't know what to do, I feel trapped.
all I wanna do is curl under my bed and pretend I don't exist
I'm not up to any of this anymore, I'm just not strong enough
too many good things in my life have been taken away, I don't know what's next!!!
I just want it all to end
if I knew I was that much pain to the people I love, I would have chosen not to live at all

going downhill!

2006-10-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

maybe to people who read this blog I might seem as a strong confident independant person sometimes, disturbed yes (and hence my name) and depressed a lot (aren't we all?) but I tend not to show my weaknesses when I write to myself, and when I write here it's the closest thing to doing that.
the only thing I wrote in my profile ws "here I shall be what I dare not show to the world", and this is true, if someone who knew me read this they wouldn't really know it's me (of course there ae exceptions) but on the outside, I'm your average girl, friendly, nice and sweet. a little moody, with serious self esteem issues. but other than that I'm fine...
but when I'm alone, I get depressed a lot, there are a lot of times I lay in bed crying for no logical reason, I tend to feel sorry for myself a lot (and that's something I hate) so I'm trying to look at the bright sides in my life and thank God for the things I already have so He wouldn't take them away from me.
I am considered pretty lucky, I have very good parents who tried their best to bring me up, it's not their fault something went seriously wrong along the way. I have a younger sister who looks up to me as if I were from heavens (even though she's a lot better than me) I have lots of friends who put up with the nasty bitch I become sometimes, and I have (had, I don't really know) someone very special who really loves me...
I'm rambling here, not really makin sense, but there is a point to all I'm saying. maybe I won't reveal it today because the pain is too raw for me to talk about it in the open - but then again, it's not reall the open, it's not like anyone here knows me, or do they??!
I'm about to break up for the second time, for different but almost the same reasons...
remember that time I had an online fight with my boyfriend and told him to go f*** himself?! I thought we were over that, obviously we're not!!!
he doesn't wanna be with someone who won't show him the respect he deserves
and I'm scared to be with someone who's not willing to forgive me for something I'd done and regretted!!!
of course it's a lot more complicated than that.
but right now, I'm just left wth the frustration of not being able to make him forgive me! he doesn't wanna break up, but like I said I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't forgive ad forget! because I may be a bitch sometimes, and I may snap out and bite someone sometimes, but I cool down very easily, ana tayeba awy!! and I never do anyone any harm on purpose, and if that ever happens I don't sleep till they're okay with me!!! and now here he is, the one person I love most in the world, and he sees nothing but ugliness and evil in me, and he's asking me to go on?!!! I don't know if I can do that. I won't be able to handle that look in his eyes everytime I mess things up! C'mon, I'm not an angel, and I'm bound to do something wrong sooner or later!
I don't know what to do. like I said, I wish I could urn back time and fix things but I can't, hell if I could guarantee that he'd get amnesia and not die if I hit him with a stick on the head I'd do it!!!!
I'm so lost, I miss talking to him, I miss the good times we had. now it's all quiet and awkward between us and it's my fault. he'll never see me the same way he used to before, and it will kill me everytime it feels like he loves me less because of something about me that I can't really change!!! even if I do change, I don't think he's really wiling to totally forget about all the things I'd done to him!
it's just a remake of the story of me and my mother, too many disappointments in a row, too many times I hurt her she was never able to purely love me. and the more I tried to make things right the more I messed things up, the more she loved me less! and so I gave up! and even though my mother and I are over the fights we had a long time ago, there's always this painful histiry between us everytime we talk. and even though she's the person I love most in this world, she's the one person I would give anything to make proud, I know that everytime she looks at me he eyes reflect nothing but disappointment and despair!!!
and it would be just too much pain for me to go through tha with him, I'd rather leave now, with a few sweet memories and a few bad ones, than stay and watch his love for me turn into hate!

if you don't like my attittude...

2006-10-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt the frustration of not being able to satisfy the one person you love most?!
well, it feels like sh**! to know that you have reached a point with that someone where you can't really turn back or forget about the past. they know you for who you relly are, and the history between you has so much pain.
sometimes you just want the past to be forgotten, you wish you could start over and make things right this time, but you've just run out of second chances, no mater how hard you try to change, they know what you are, and you know they know! and they hate what they see in you, and you try to convince yourself that it doesn't hurt, but it does...
I'm sorry I wasn't good to you, I wish I could turn back time but I can't, and it's too late now.

rambles

2006-10-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

for a long time I wanted to write, for a different reason each time I kept putting it off, several times I actually wrote stuff, but never got around to publish (you can't imagine how many unpublished drafts I have in this blog!) a lot has been on my mind lately, here's as much as I can share at the moment
-I'm having the worst ramadan in my life, every year I prove to myself that I am a worse person than I thought, I don't even know why I'm fasting, it's like the only thing I'm doing !
- it seems like I'm going to be having a s***ty academic year, everything is unclear and confusing, the system is corrupt, and I know I have to go along, I can't exactly change the world! (what is this country coming to?!)
-I'd stopped throwing up completely during this summer (well, exclude that last time I wrote about) since I was with my friends and always around people, also because I didn't really need to throw up, being on vacation naturally makes you lose weight, so I was literally a stick. I started again a couple of days ago, as visciously as before it's not even funny! and I can't tell anyone about it, I'm feeling like enny zawwedt el mawdoo3, and I'm making people sick! my mother just doesn't understand anymore, and my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to stop it, even if he does try to help, making me promise not to do it doesn't really work, it's a compulsion I really can't help it, and it hurts so much to be this weak and pathetic!!!
I really want to stop, I need professional help, I'm starting to get dental problems and that's what's obvious. only God knows what's going on in my system! I have to stop doing this!
-I've been feeling very distant from everyone lately, somehow I don't mind.
-I'm on very good terms with my mother, that makes me worry sometimes.
-I've been thinking a lot about my school friends, I miss them a lot, I wanna see them.
-enough of that, I sound like a drunk

days fly...

2006-09-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

so here it is, the summer is over, and like every other summer in my life, it passes by with none of the summer resolutions actually accomplished! I didn't read more Quraan, I didn't learn how to sew or rollerblade, I didn't change my hair color and I definitely didn't get that pet cat I always wanted! Some has been done though, I managed to lose some weight without any unhealthy practices, I also made use of all my time, I had maximum fun wih my friends which I'm sure will last me a long time, I also made friends with people who used to literally hate me before, and that feels very good...
I haven't been thinking much about the future lately (I seemed to be more keen on planning ahead when I was younger) now I'm mainly living moment by moment, I don't know if that's good or bad. When I was young, I always had this picture in my head of how my life would be in the future, I didn't know if it would turn out the way I wanted, but at least I always thought I had a plan B. now I hardly think of the future, I don't know if it's because it's depressive to think about it, or because none of the things I planned for did happen! I changed a lot as I grew up, and I believe that changed my future to come. Right now I don't know where I stand, I know that I'm studying what I like but I have no idea if that's going to be my career. I know I'm with someone I love but I don't know if we'll ever get married. my life seems hazy and unclear, and I'm just taking it one step at a time, trying as much as I can not to screw it up as I go...

double-standardees .... don't talk to me!!

2006-09-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

when a guy wouldn't shake my hand in uni because he thinks it's wrong (or even 7aram), I wouldn't really mind it, it's actually a lot more comfortable for me to walk into a group of people and just say hi without having to pass hi fives to every single person sitting! and besides, I respect everyone's beliefs (no I have no buhdist friends) but you know what I mean...
I know poeple who have suddenly out of the blue grown beards and started acting religious all of the sudden, maybe because they really want to change for the better, but personally I vote for peer pressure, most of these people have no idea what so ever about religion! or maybe they do.. who am I to say??? go ahead, grow a beard, stop hanging around with your girlfriends, bang you head with a hammer and create a zebeebet sala (if you think that only having it is worth the thawab) if it's turning you into a good person then by all means be my guest, I'll be happy for you more than anyone else....
but here's what ticks me off:
one of those "religious" guys is in a foreign country, and guess what? hot babes, no rules, no one looks at you if you hold a girl's hand, hell no one even looks at you if you stick your tongue down her throat! and all of the sudden he turns into this really cool guy; girls are all he hangs out with, he's giving friendly flicks and slaps, he's taking pictures with them and they're like all over him, one under his arm, one around his neck one on his lap for heaven's sake!
okay, so he couldn't resist the temptation, well he's only human afer all, and I shouldn't be judging someone when I'm not perfect (is anyone?)
but the story gets more interesting!
the minute he sets foot home, he's back to being Mr decent again, no shaking hands, grows his beard, it's like he left that other cool guy in that country. but one thing he actually takes home: attitude!!!!
suddenly all the girls in masr are "sanadel" and shabasheb" and "ento fakreen nafsoko banat?"
ya3ni howa ely bro7 ommo ragel???... sorry people.... but I just hate guys who have different standards, who think they can just flip back and forth between personalities! just like guys who've had more girlfriends that they can remember but they wouldn't let their sisters even talk to their guy classmates on the phone!
c'mon, if you're okay with yourself doing somehting wrong, then you might as well be okay with others doing it...
so to all of you double-standardees, tell me why it's "accepted" for a guy to smoke, get high or even get laid, but if a girl does it she's a bitch! there's no discrimination in right and wrong, what's wrong for a girl is wrong for both a guy and a girl! why don't you people get that???
so to my friend (or should I say not really anymore) who got sucked in the foreign life, may I tell you I shall never look at you the same way again. I don't wanna shake your hand when I see you, to tell the truth I don't really wanna see you at all... not until you're honest with yourself at least!

a weird dream

2006-09-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

my roommate heard me scream in my sleep last night...
I had a dream in which I was about to get raped, the thing is I always dream in english (weird I know...) ironically enough, this dream was in slang arabic!
I was walking down the street, and a guy comes up to me and sticks a razor to my face and he tells me to come down easily or he's gonna turn my pretty face into a blood map! I start screaming, but in the dream, I can't hear my screams! they're building up inside, and I can hear them inside me but they don't really come out... frustrated as I am I try harder and I actually succeed to hear myself scream, but it's too loud, too real, and I realize I'm dreaming!
next morning my friend tells me I'm too much noise at night!!

passing time...

2006-09-03T21:29:00.000-07:00

it's kind of funny that in the last couple of days all my favorite movies have been coming on tv!
two days ago I cried my eyes off watching mandy moore in her innocent days (a walk to remember), today morning they were playing "stepmom" (also a personal favorite) I went out after and when I got back home I found "nemo" (by the way, if anyone hasn't seen this movie, they're missing a lot!)
so that's the good part about my day
here are some other thoughts:
-my friend who shares my room heard me crying the other night, she asked me about it and I said I was just homesick... I didn't say more
-I had an online fight with my boyfriend and eventually told him to go f*** himself, it seemed very justified at the time of the fight, but now I feel like an idiot... he won't talk to me, and I don't know what to do!
-I was about to buy an extremely cheap and extremely sexy bathing suit tday, but somehow I changed my mind on the last minute! some smart ass I am!
-even though I hane't been eating much lately, I feel bloated, it's either diet coke grows you a belly or I'm getting my period soon (hmm... interesting thought, I'm bloated, my face is exploading with pimples, I'm aggressive and moody and ready to bite people's heads off! do you think?!)
-some poeple just piss you off the minute they open their mouth to talk, like this guy whom I have nothing against except the fact that he gets on my nerves! I've been trying to avoid him as much as I can, I always leave the room when he comes and there are other people, my answers to his questions are short and to the pont. but he just enjoys talking to me! and he is VERY talkative, I mean he goes on and on and doesn't stop, and I honestly can't take him... (I thing he's OCD)
-I'm actually trying to force thoughts outta my brain. I can't sleep, that's why I'm rambling...
-I miss my mother, you knwo what? I'm pretty sure that when I go home, the first three days wil pass fine. then we're gonna be fighting agaian! sometimes I wish I could just move out and go visit my parents once a week, my mother and I would be so on good terms (but then I'm afraid my sister will wanna copy me, I don't wanna set a bad example- yeah right)
-I think I have a couple (or more) broken molars, I can't help but think that my eating disorders have something to do with it! I feel so guilty... I seriously need to see the dentist...
-I think I'll try to go sleep now

sick!

2006-09-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

well, looks like I finally got to sleep, but cuase I got sicked and was knocked out!
hehe...

lying awake

2006-09-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

so my journey turned out to be a total failure! I almost ran outta money, I fought with my friends like crazy, I fought with my boyfriend and now he doesn't wanna see me when I get back. nothing went right, it's a disaster!!!
I'm feeling like sh**
I don't know what to do, I'm so frustrated, nothing in my life is working out the way I want it to.
oh fuck it, I just wanna be alone!
every night I have to cry myself to sleep, I can't sleep, and no matter how tired I am, I can't force myself to stay in bed in the morning! I'm always the first to wake up, and the last one to go to sleep! I miss sleeping peacefully.
I feel like I'm here wasting my parents money on useless things, and I'm not even doing what I want to do.
I know I sound like a wining bitch... honestly I don't care anymore, I spend too many nights crying to care about anything anymore.. I miss home, I miss my mom and dad and sister. I miss them all...

bad day

2006-08-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

so I'm extremely homesick, and nothing I've done today seems to be making me feel any better!
vacation is not fun anymore, as much as I love all these people I'm with, I just miss home very badly!
I almost cried twice today for no reason, and the only thing that explains that is that I miss being home!
I never thought that I'd actually long for thefights I used to have with my mother! I really miss her. I wish I could see her right now...
I'm in a very bad state...
I don't think I wanna write anymore

thoughts of the night...

2006-08-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

thought of the moment: I'd been a very good girl for such a long time, but obviously not good enough. I just flushed my last meal down the toilet a few hours ago
other thoughts:
I haven't seen you in such a long time, I was expecting myself to be missing you more, but sadly enough, I'm not! I guess I'll have to blame it on the too many events that have been going on in my life lately.
what is it that made us grow apart?
I don't think you truly realize how my feelings have changed lately, not just about you but about everything! I have changed so much over the past year, you might even say I grew up. I have taken a few more steps down my path, but you just seem to be standing still! or even if you are moving, it's certainly not in the same direction.
I talk to you now and your like a total stranger to me, I don't know what you like anymore, I'm afraid to be myself around you because I know it might not be convenient for you. but in a way -a dark way- I intend to be more than my average self around you sometimes, jst to get at you, see how you'd react to the little things that you don't like about me!
but I don't even think you're noticing it! and that's where the problem lies!
the differences between us get clearer everyday, and I become more and more aware of the mistake we're making. the mistake I'm making for not telling you how I feel!
I love you. this is a simple truth I cannot change. I cannot break your heart, and I do want you in my life one way or another, but somethings have to change.
sometimes I feel like we are perfect for each other,I'm totally relaxed around you, we're like best friends laughing and joking and talking about everything, times like these make me wanna spend my life with you. other times nothing on this earth seems more wrong!
some things just have to change between us!
you have to stop pushing too hard, because when you do that I'm like a cornered animal whose only option is to bite! and guess what? everytime you push too hard I end up being the bad guy in the relationship! why can't you just take no for an answer once?
I'm tired of spending half my time fghting you back! I don't know how long my energy would last!
we have to know whether or not we want the same things, because if we don't then there's no use of walking down this path together...

too bad you're never reading this

not one more word!

2006-08-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

I had to sit and bite my tongue as she lectured me about how a muslim should be!
I sat and sat, listening to her endless speech of me being a BAD muslim, just because she saw a jacket I bought! who cares if it was faded jeans?! I only bought it cause I liked it! but no! she thinks I bought it because I'm "blindly" following into the footsteps of jewish fashion (oh my God, am I gonna get into trouble here?! lol) anyways, she pissed me off when she started talking about how people just follow fashion without even thinking about it, and she started giving examples of how everyone wore baggy pants when they were "in", but now everyone wears lowrise pants (oh God) and she was like "if wearing loose clothes became the look, everyone would go around wearing them" well excuse me, I'm not strong enough to walk around wearing a tent (I don't mean to get disrespectful here) I know what she's doing is totally right, and she's a lot better muslim than I ever will be. but that gives her NO right to judge who I am because she doesn't like the way I dress!!!
I can't go through discussions about my hegab not being proper when I have problems keeping my prayers! you have to have priorities. I'm sorry, but I can't be more "decent looking" (call it what you may) if I have guy friends whom I see and talk to, I can't wear a 3baya (or even loosen up my clothes a little bit) and go to the movies, I can't stop plucking my eyebrows when I still have a boyfriend for heaven's sake! what is she thinking?
it's not about fashion! it's not about islam! it's about me, all me!
I am pretty decent in the way I dress, so what if my shirt is sometimes tight I hardly have any boobs for crying out loud! there's nothing seductive about me now that I'm mo7agabba! she should see me wothout hegab, then she would really flip out!!! I mean c'mon people, one step at a time!!!!
GOD!
I really am trying here, I've had my times with looking ugly and wearing clothes three times my size... now, I am a paranoid over self-conscious freak who wants to look good, and she is in NO place to push me to do what she thinks is right! my mother quit that a while ago! just because she thinks she's a good muslim doesn't mean she has the right to enforce her beliefs of me burning in hell!
what really pissed me off the most is that I had to sit there and say nothing, because mostly I know she's right. but now when I think about it, I feel like such an idiot just sitting there defending myself against her when I was supposed to tell her that I was none of her business!
but still, I didn't wanna fight with her, she's still dear to me. and I think one of us yelling was enough... we ended up joking about it, but I know there's always this line of unacceptance between us...
but I guess you do wha you have to do to keep the boat floating.

my friend... I love you

2006-08-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

when I think about how comfortable I am with you, how comfortable I've always been, it makes everything feel so right! I don't have to pretend that I'm nicer or sweeter, I'm just whatever I am and you like me that way. and even though we never really said anything it had always felt to me like there's this unspoken bond between the two of us. I've known you since forever, and I know I see you once every 3 years but everytime I see you and spend time with you it's like we've been together the whole time... it feels beautiful to be around you. I can never explain it, I can be with you all the time and it's like we never run out of things to say, even if we do, it feels so comforting just to be with you in the same room and say nothing...
you'll never know this, but I've always wanted someone like you, most of all someone I could be comfortable with the same way I am with you. believe me you'd make a perfect husband, and a great father. you're just amazing!
you don't know that you're the reason I'm with him now, because he makes me feel the way you do, I can be myself with him and not worry about it, he understands me, like you do ( and letely he knows more about me because he's obviously more in my life) the only difference between you two (apart from the fact that he turns me on just by looking at him, while you (no offence) could be lying next to me in bed and we would be perfectly comforable with it..lol) is that he makes his feelings very clear to me. he tells me he loves me, he tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me that I'm his best friend. unlike you and me my friend, our relationship is not unspoken of. sometimes I think if we had ever (at one point of our lives) discussed our feelings for each other in any way other than the occasional pat on the back and the shoulder to cry on, things might have been different, don't you think? sometimes I think that I would have willingly given it all to you had you shown me a single sign. I did love you at a time, you never knew that, you never will...
he was not yet in my life, he is now. and I guess that changes everything.
one thing will never change though, is the special place you have in my heart, no one will ever take that place. there's no one else on earth that I could share the magic we have with... I love you so much, I really wish I could say it to you...

can't sleep!

2006-08-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

so somehow I couldn't sign in to my original blog (http:/braindisturbed.bogspot.com) for the past, let's say, month, so that's one of the reasons I couldn't write. Anther reason is that I've hardly had anytime to be alone for a long long time.
I recently discovered that I don't really function very well when I'm around people all the time, I need my time alone to zone out and recharge my battery. I've been on vacation with a few friends, and it's basically a once in a lifetime experience that I'm having right now, but somehow in the middle of all of this I seem to get one of my depressin fits; I just don't wanna be around anyone!
you know when you're somewhere new and you wanna see everything and go everywhere and do all that is to do, well that's how my friends have been (that's how any normal person would be!) but not me. at one point I was this close to either killing one of them or slitting my own wrist! my friends are so uptight about keeping the "group" as one unit, they wanna do everything together, I swear to God if it was up to them we'd be going to the bathroom together! hey we don't wanna break the group do we?!
I an't be like that, I always need sometime alone, no matter how I like them, no matter how comfortable I am around them that doesnt mean I can be with them 24/7 and still be okay with it! I need my own time, and that's just how I am.
if they wanna fight about it and call me a bitch well by all means be my guest because that's what I turn into when I don't get my time! (Grrr.. woof woof)
I'm not really asking for much, all I want is to be left alone when I ask to be!
I know I sound so unfair... but you know what? right now I don't really care about anything!