and I wish right now that all the people I know would suffer from amnesia!
I want them all to forget about "this" part of my life, I want them to forget the things I did and everything I said! I want the fool I've managed to make out of myself to be forgotten...
maybe if no one knows about my obsession, I would stop talking about it anymore! maybe if no one remembers, it will be too difficult to tell the story all over again!
I feel sorry for you, my friend, for having to go through this with me. I'm sorry you have to see the tears I cry every night, I'm sorry you have to see how pathetic I've become! I know you hate it, I know you hate the whining and the crying, and I know you are growing more and more sick of my attitude as each day goes by. I'm grateful you haven't yet said a word, but I know you will not be this patient forever!
I myself am getting sick of me!
I cannot believe the number of times I have made a fool out of myself! I think of it all every night and I can't help but wish I was dead before any of this had ever happened!
maybe if I was dead things would have been better for a lot of people, maybe I would have been thought of and remembered instead of being forgotten and considered a burden!
I know I'm on the verge of losing my sanity, shall I tell you the number of times I catch myself talking to the darkness in my room before I go to sleep? or maybe I should tell you of all the times I find myself crying so hard on the phone with one of my friends on the other side without them noticing! or the times my folks almost broke the bathroom door while I was in the shower, because they heard me crying- in a loud almost inhuman voice- and I wouldn't answer them!
most of the times I find myself surrendering to the tears, I let them come, I let them HURT, and I just don't stop unless I have to! other times I don't stop at all, I walk around the house with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes, and somehow my family has managed to selectively blind themselves to the sadness they see in me!
I have become weak, vulnerable and indifferent to everything that once mattered...
I'm rolling downhill and I'm not even reaching out my hands for help.
let me fall into the sweet darkness, nothing can hurt me there...