going downhill!

maybe to people who read this blog I might seem as a strong confident independant person sometimes, disturbed yes (and hence my name) and depressed a lot (aren't we all?) but I tend not to show my weaknesses when I write to myself, and when I write here it's the closest thing to doing that.
the only thing I wrote in my profile ws "here I shall be what I dare not show to the world", and this is true, if someone who knew me read this they wouldn't really know it's me (of course there ae exceptions) but on the outside, I'm your average girl, friendly, nice and sweet. a little moody, with serious self esteem issues. but other than that I'm fine...
but when I'm alone, I get depressed a lot, there are a lot of times I lay in bed crying for no logical reason, I tend to feel sorry for myself a lot (and that's something I hate) so I'm trying to look at the bright sides in my life and thank God for the things I already have so He wouldn't take them away from me.
I am considered pretty lucky, I have very good parents who tried their best to bring me up, it's not their fault something went seriously wrong along the way. I have a younger sister who looks up to me as if I were from heavens (even though she's a lot better than me) I have lots of friends who put up with the nasty bitch I become sometimes, and I have (had, I don't really know) someone very special who really loves me...
I'm rambling here, not really makin sense, but there is a point to all I'm saying. maybe I won't reveal it today because the pain is too raw for me to talk about it in the open - but then again, it's not reall the open, it's not like anyone here knows me, or do they??!
I'm about to break up for the second time, for different but almost the same reasons...
remember that time I had an online fight with my boyfriend and told him to go f*** himself?! I thought we were over that, obviously we're not!!!
he doesn't wanna be with someone who won't show him the respect he deserves
and I'm scared to be with someone who's not willing to forgive me for something I'd done and regretted!!!
of course it's a lot more complicated than that.
but right now, I'm just left wth the frustration of not being able to make him forgive me! he doesn't wanna break up, but like I said I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't forgive ad forget! because I may be a bitch sometimes, and I may snap out and bite someone sometimes, but I cool down very easily, ana tayeba awy!! and I never do anyone any harm on purpose, and if that ever happens I don't sleep till they're okay with me!!! and now here he is, the one person I love most in the world, and he sees nothing but ugliness and evil in me, and he's asking me to go on?!!! I don't know if I can do that. I won't be able to handle that look in his eyes everytime I mess things up! C'mon, I'm not an angel, and I'm bound to do something wrong sooner or later!
I don't know what to do. like I said, I wish I could urn back time and fix things but I can't, hell if I could guarantee that he'd get amnesia and not die if I hit him with a stick on the head I'd do it!!!!
I'm so lost, I miss talking to him, I miss the good times we had. now it's all quiet and awkward between us and it's my fault. he'll never see me the same way he used to before, and it will kill me everytime it feels like he loves me less because of something about me that I can't really change!!! even if I do change, I don't think he's really wiling to totally forget about all the things I'd done to him!
it's just a remake of the story of me and my mother, too many disappointments in a row, too many times I hurt her she was never able to purely love me. and the more I tried to make things right the more I messed things up, the more she loved me less! and so I gave up! and even though my mother and I are over the fights we had a long time ago, there's always this painful histiry between us everytime we talk. and even though she's the person I love most in this world, she's the one person I would give anything to make proud, I know that everytime she looks at me he eyes reflect nothing but disappointment and despair!!!
and it would be just too much pain for me to go through tha with him, I'd rather leave now, with a few sweet memories and a few bad ones, than stay and watch his love for me turn into hate!