rambles

for a long time I wanted to write, for a different reason each time I kept putting it off, several times I actually wrote stuff, but never got around to publish (you can't imagine how many unpublished drafts I have in this blog!) a lot has been on my mind lately, here's as much as I can share at the moment
-I'm having the worst ramadan in my life, every year I prove to myself that I am a worse person than I thought, I don't even know why I'm fasting, it's like the only thing I'm doing !
- it seems like I'm going to be having a s***ty academic year, everything is unclear and confusing, the system is corrupt, and I know I have to go along, I can't exactly change the world! (what is this country coming to?!)
-I'd stopped throwing up completely during this summer (well, exclude that last time I wrote about) since I was with my friends and always around people, also because I didn't really need to throw up, being on vacation naturally makes you lose weight, so I was literally a stick. I started again a couple of days ago, as visciously as before it's not even funny! and I can't tell anyone about it, I'm feeling like enny zawwedt el mawdoo3, and I'm making people sick! my mother just doesn't understand anymore, and my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to stop it, even if he does try to help, making me promise not to do it doesn't really work, it's a compulsion I really can't help it, and it hurts so much to be this weak and pathetic!!!
I really want to stop, I need professional help, I'm starting to get dental problems and that's what's obvious. only God knows what's going on in my system! I have to stop doing this!
-I've been feeling very distant from everyone lately, somehow I don't mind.
-I'm on very good terms with my mother, that makes me worry sometimes.
-I've been thinking a lot about my school friends, I miss them a lot, I wanna see them.
-enough of that, I sound like a drunk