if only you knew what I do....
I'm ashamed. but I can't stop it, something keeps driving me to find out more, it's like a drug. I can't stop it, not now!
I have to find out more.

rehab

it's not getting out of my veins, I can still feel it there, haunting me, hurting me. it just won't let go!
I lied, I'm not strong enough for this, I'm not ready to be free of it. this sweet deadly obsession of mine, I'm not yet ready to let it go.
The pain gets worse as the days pass by, I miss it more and more, and I can't find it so I start losing control and acting crazy. I curl up in bed and hold on to myself and drown in silent sobs, I'm afraid anyone might hear me, they'd think I'm still hung up on it, they'd think I'm not cured. And I've worked so hard to seem sober, sometimes I really think I am, but then it doesn't take long for that "longing" to start again.
just one more time, I think to myself, I don't care how much I hurt afterwards, it won't be more that I'm hurting right now! one more time and then just let me die, you see where I am? I don't care about anything anymore, I just want this pain to ultimately end.
I'm with it, it hurts. I'm without it, it hurts even more!
I wanna wake up one day and feel fine. I want to stop having to wake up to the sound of my own heartbeats drumming in my ears, sweat and tears running down my face. I wanna stop screaming in my sleep. I want to be OKAY!
is that too much to ask for?

time after time I read her email, at first it was all a haze, then certain words seemed to get in focus; "I'm not the type of girl to fall for a guy this fast", " see/hear/FEEL you soon(er than you think)"...
and I realized for the first time that my instincts never lied to me!
he would have called me crazy if I told him I felt there was another girl! but now that I saw it with my own eyes, I need no more proof...
maybe to him he ended it when he talked endlessly about my not so flawless personality, when he told me tht there was no way of us ever being together, even though he'd just said that he was never going to love anyone like he loved me a few minutes earlier...
would I be crazy to think that it should at least take him sometime before he was ready to see other people (I don't care if she's from another country, or if she's a fling) I care that she said she couldn't sleep last night cause the sms he sent her flooded an ocean of emotions she didn't know she was capable of!
I don't care if he doesn't love her or if he still has a thing for me, I care that he got close enough to a girl that she could actually say this!
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, we aren't together anymore, well we haven't been for quite sometime. but we've been on and off for the past two years, and everytime he left he came back, and now I'm just wondering how many times he made a fool out of me! how many times did he have a fling when he was away then came back to me begging for one last kiss goodbye?! how many times did I CHOOSE to be blind?!
it hurts really badly
and I have no one to blame but myself!
goodbye
I was always good to you, I never did anything to hurt you
at least I deserved the decency of being honest with me
we were over a long time ago, and I never held on to you, you were the one who always came back, you stopped loving me a long time ago, but you just abused the love I had for you to fill your stupid emotional void!
of course you'll come running back to me, I know it, just like you did every time!
no one will ever love you the way I did! no one will ever care for you like I did... you'll realize that and you'll be back, but it'll just be too late
you know what? it's already too late! I know what you are. and I know I want nothing to have to do with you
you gave me a happiness I might never experience again, but you also caused me enough pain to make me never wanna trust anyone ever again!
you accused me of making your life miserable, and you were the only reason for my misery!
you said I didn't make you laugh, and the only thing you did was make me cry!
you've only been hurting me lately, and I've taken enough of your crap!
when you ended this, you asked me for the one thing you didn't give me "RESPECT" you didn't respect me when we were together, you went around doing stuff behind my back thinking what I didn't know couldn't hurt me... but guess what hun, I DID know! I know you too well, and I can tell when you're lying! I knew every time, EVERY GODDAMN TIME! but I just told myself I was wrong!
I asked you not to hurt me, but look what you did...
you could have left a better memory
you could have ended this without causing too many scars, you needed to give yourself a reason to stop talking to me, so you just came up with all that crap about my personalities being incompatible! we've been everything but incompatible since the day we met! and if we were so like you said, why the hell has it taken you two fucking years to break up properly with me?????!!!!
and you know what?! the thing is I KNOW this isn't over, because you've done it SO MANY times! but it's so different this time, I'm NOT crying over you
I won't any more!
I wasted too much of my life thinking you were worthed!
too much of my precious time

cat fights, they're just not my thing.
everytime I argue with a friend I end up crying and feeling like shit, it makes no difference if we make up or not.
I hate problems, I'm not good at dealing with them. I hate falling out with people I know, it makes me realize how weak and helpless I am...

it's not my fault this time! I did nothing wrong, and I don't care you only chose ME out of all people to blame!

Insomniac, one more time

I've been having some trouble sleeping for the past few days, lying in bed for hours eyes wide open with everything and nothing on my mind.
I suppose I'm making up for all those days my brain chose to shut down and send me to sleep every time things got out of hand. it's always the extremes in my case, I either sleep too much or hardly sleep at all.
I won't complain, though. life moves on no matter what...

-------

I used to play a little game when I was a kid, a make-believe game of my own. I used to imagine I was someone else I knew, my mom for example, and I used to put myself in her shoes and watch her all day long, everything she did I used to wonder how she felt about it, everything she said, I used to try to guess what she would say next! sometimes I thought to myself that if I concentrated hard enough I could actually BE her, see things with her eyes, hear things with her ears, think with her brain. and the actual me would just disappear into thin air. and it frustrated me not being able to blend my soul into hers! of course I was just a dumb kid who eventually grew up.
but if anything, that game taught me something, and that is to "feel" other people. maybe that's how I'd been all along and that's why I came up with the game in the first place. and maybe it got me used to putting myself into someone else's shoes every once in a while, see with their eyes and think with their brains.

I'm in your shoes right now, but it no longer feels like a game.

three two one

-and I suppose it's gone from bulimia to anorexia! I haven't eaten in almost a week, lost myself a decent 4 kilos and I look like a walking skeleton... and the weird thing is, I have double the energy when I work out at the gym, I DON'T get tired, I could just go on forever!

-I've been having a lot of second thoughts about my life lately, about who I am -who I'm going to be- and about what I'm going to do this year and the next and the ones to come. I never seem to be able to come up with a plan, I suck at plans. but then again I suck at being random and spontaneous.

-a certain phase of my life is ending (hopefully) and for the first time in my life I'm WANTING to turn the page and start a new one. God give me the power to be strong.

I still get depressed a lot, I refused my doctor's offer to hook up with anxiolytics, I figured if I got used to them I'll never let them go

-I've decided to do my best to keep my friends, no more slip-ups, no more stupid mistakes. people do have an energy limit to what you do to them, after all...

now's the time to make a stand
no more weakness, no more crying in the dark
I shall no longer surrender to that sweet scented sin.
I will be alone, and I won't care.
to hell with it all
to hell with it
just leave me alone, why can't you just leave me alone? if you don't love me anymore, and you don't want me back, why am I still an obsession to you? why do you ask me to be in your life then push me away? then why do you draw me back the minute I turn and walk away?!
what did I ever do to you?! why do you have to hurt me so much? I know you lie to me. I know that you're no longer the person I fell in love with, you just remind me of him sometimes, and that's my weakness, I still love him, but I don't love YOU!
please leave me alone. let me walk away with dignity. everytime you touch me now a part of me dies, a part that used to love you, and that used to love ME! you are hurting me more than you'll ever know.

April fools day!
it's MY day today!
I have proven to be the biggest fool :D

the truth is revealed today, and it hurts too much that I can't help but smile right now
how could I have been so blind?!