In$0mN!A

Sunday, September 07, 2008

if only you knew what I do....
I'm ashamed. but I can't stop it, something keeps driving me to find out more, it's like a drug. I can't stop it, not now!
I have to find out more.

rehab

it's not getting out of my veins, I can still feel it there, haunting me, hurting me. it just won't let go!
I lied, I'm not strong enough for this, I'm not ready to be free of it. this sweet deadly obsession of mine, I'm not yet ready to let it go.
The pain gets worse as the days pass by, I miss it more and more, and I can't find it so I start losing control and acting crazy. I curl up in bed and hold on to myself and drown in silent sobs, I'm afraid anyone might hear me, they'd think I'm still hung up on it, they'd think I'm not cured. And I've worked so hard to seem sober, sometimes I really think I am, but then it doesn't take long for that "longing" to start again.
just one more time, I think to myself, I don't care how much I hurt afterwards, it won't be more that I'm hurting right now! one more time and then just let me die, you see where I am? I don't care about anything anymore, I just want this pain to ultimately end.
I'm with it, it hurts. I'm without it, it hurts even more!
I wanna wake up one day and feel fine. I want to stop having to wake up to the sound of my own heartbeats drumming in my ears, sweat and tears running down my face. I wanna stop screaming in my sleep. I want to be OKAY!
is that too much to ask for?