bad day

so I'm extremely homesick, and nothing I've done today seems to be making me feel any better!
vacation is not fun anymore, as much as I love all these people I'm with, I just miss home very badly!
I almost cried twice today for no reason, and the only thing that explains that is that I miss being home!
I never thought that I'd actually long for thefights I used to have with my mother! I really miss her. I wish I could see her right now...
I'm in a very bad state...
I don't think I wanna write anymore

thoughts of the night...

thought of the moment: I'd been a very good girl for such a long time, but obviously not good enough. I just flushed my last meal down the toilet a few hours ago
other thoughts:
I haven't seen you in such a long time, I was expecting myself to be missing you more, but sadly enough, I'm not! I guess I'll have to blame it on the too many events that have been going on in my life lately.
what is it that made us grow apart?
I don't think you truly realize how my feelings have changed lately, not just about you but about everything! I have changed so much over the past year, you might even say I grew up. I have taken a few more steps down my path, but you just seem to be standing still! or even if you are moving, it's certainly not in the same direction.
I talk to you now and your like a total stranger to me, I don't know what you like anymore, I'm afraid to be myself around you because I know it might not be convenient for you. but in a way -a dark way- I intend to be more than my average self around you sometimes, jst to get at you, see how you'd react to the little things that you don't like about me!
but I don't even think you're noticing it! and that's where the problem lies!
the differences between us get clearer everyday, and I become more and more aware of the mistake we're making. the mistake I'm making for not telling you how I feel!
I love you. this is a simple truth I cannot change. I cannot break your heart, and I do want you in my life one way or another, but somethings have to change.
sometimes I feel like we are perfect for each other,I'm totally relaxed around you, we're like best friends laughing and joking and talking about everything, times like these make me wanna spend my life with you. other times nothing on this earth seems more wrong!
some things just have to change between us!
you have to stop pushing too hard, because when you do that I'm like a cornered animal whose only option is to bite! and guess what? everytime you push too hard I end up being the bad guy in the relationship! why can't you just take no for an answer once?
I'm tired of spending half my time fghting you back! I don't know how long my energy would last!
we have to know whether or not we want the same things, because if we don't then there's no use of walking down this path together...

too bad you're never reading this

not one more word!

I had to sit and bite my tongue as she lectured me about how a muslim should be!
I sat and sat, listening to her endless speech of me being a BAD muslim, just because she saw a jacket I bought! who cares if it was faded jeans?! I only bought it cause I liked it! but no! she thinks I bought it because I'm "blindly" following into the footsteps of jewish fashion (oh my God, am I gonna get into trouble here?! lol) anyways, she pissed me off when she started talking about how people just follow fashion without even thinking about it, and she started giving examples of how everyone wore baggy pants when they were "in", but now everyone wears lowrise pants (oh God) and she was like "if wearing loose clothes became the look, everyone would go around wearing them" well excuse me, I'm not strong enough to walk around wearing a tent (I don't mean to get disrespectful here) I know what she's doing is totally right, and she's a lot better muslim than I ever will be. but that gives her NO right to judge who I am because she doesn't like the way I dress!!!
I can't go through discussions about my hegab not being proper when I have problems keeping my prayers! you have to have priorities. I'm sorry, but I can't be more "decent looking" (call it what you may) if I have guy friends whom I see and talk to, I can't wear a 3baya (or even loosen up my clothes a little bit) and go to the movies, I can't stop plucking my eyebrows when I still have a boyfriend for heaven's sake! what is she thinking?
it's not about fashion! it's not about islam! it's about me, all me!
I am pretty decent in the way I dress, so what if my shirt is sometimes tight I hardly have any boobs for crying out loud! there's nothing seductive about me now that I'm mo7agabba! she should see me wothout hegab, then she would really flip out!!! I mean c'mon people, one step at a time!!!!
GOD!
I really am trying here, I've had my times with looking ugly and wearing clothes three times my size... now, I am a paranoid over self-conscious freak who wants to look good, and she is in NO place to push me to do what she thinks is right! my mother quit that a while ago! just because she thinks she's a good muslim doesn't mean she has the right to enforce her beliefs of me burning in hell!
what really pissed me off the most is that I had to sit there and say nothing, because mostly I know she's right. but now when I think about it, I feel like such an idiot just sitting there defending myself against her when I was supposed to tell her that I was none of her business!
but still, I didn't wanna fight with her, she's still dear to me. and I think one of us yelling was enough... we ended up joking about it, but I know there's always this line of unacceptance between us...
but I guess you do wha you have to do to keep the boat floating.

my friend... I love you

when I think about how comfortable I am with you, how comfortable I've always been, it makes everything feel so right! I don't have to pretend that I'm nicer or sweeter, I'm just whatever I am and you like me that way. and even though we never really said anything it had always felt to me like there's this unspoken bond between the two of us. I've known you since forever, and I know I see you once every 3 years but everytime I see you and spend time with you it's like we've been together the whole time... it feels beautiful to be around you. I can never explain it, I can be with you all the time and it's like we never run out of things to say, even if we do, it feels so comforting just to be with you in the same room and say nothing...
you'll never know this, but I've always wanted someone like you, most of all someone I could be comfortable with the same way I am with you. believe me you'd make a perfect husband, and a great father. you're just amazing!
you don't know that you're the reason I'm with him now, because he makes me feel the way you do, I can be myself with him and not worry about it, he understands me, like you do ( and letely he knows more about me because he's obviously more in my life) the only difference between you two (apart from the fact that he turns me on just by looking at him, while you (no offence) could be lying next to me in bed and we would be perfectly comforable with it..lol) is that he makes his feelings very clear to me. he tells me he loves me, he tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me that I'm his best friend. unlike you and me my friend, our relationship is not unspoken of. sometimes I think if we had ever (at one point of our lives) discussed our feelings for each other in any way other than the occasional pat on the back and the shoulder to cry on, things might have been different, don't you think? sometimes I think that I would have willingly given it all to you had you shown me a single sign. I did love you at a time, you never knew that, you never will...
he was not yet in my life, he is now. and I guess that changes everything.
one thing will never change though, is the special place you have in my heart, no one will ever take that place. there's no one else on earth that I could share the magic we have with... I love you so much, I really wish I could say it to you...

can't sleep!

so somehow I couldn't sign in to my original blog (http:/braindisturbed.bogspot.com) for the past, let's say, month, so that's one of the reasons I couldn't write. Anther reason is that I've hardly had anytime to be alone for a long long time.
I recently discovered that I don't really function very well when I'm around people all the time, I need my time alone to zone out and recharge my battery. I've been on vacation with a few friends, and it's basically a once in a lifetime experience that I'm having right now, but somehow in the middle of all of this I seem to get one of my depressin fits; I just don't wanna be around anyone!
you know when you're somewhere new and you wanna see everything and go everywhere and do all that is to do, well that's how my friends have been (that's how any normal person would be!) but not me. at one point I was this close to either killing one of them or slitting my own wrist! my friends are so uptight about keeping the "group" as one unit, they wanna do everything together, I swear to God if it was up to them we'd be going to the bathroom together! hey we don't wanna break the group do we?!
I an't be like that, I always need sometime alone, no matter how I like them, no matter how comfortable I am around them that doesnt mean I can be with them 24/7 and still be okay with it! I need my own time, and that's just how I am.
if they wanna fight about it and call me a bitch well by all means be my guest because that's what I turn into when I don't get my time! (Grrr.. woof woof)
I'm not really asking for much, all I want is to be left alone when I ask to be!
I know I sound so unfair... but you know what? right now I don't really care about anything!