days fly...

so here it is, the summer is over, and like every other summer in my life, it passes by with none of the summer resolutions actually accomplished! I didn't read more Quraan, I didn't learn how to sew or rollerblade, I didn't change my hair color and I definitely didn't get that pet cat I always wanted! Some has been done though, I managed to lose some weight without any unhealthy practices, I also made use of all my time, I had maximum fun wih my friends which I'm sure will last me a long time, I also made friends with people who used to literally hate me before, and that feels very good...
I haven't been thinking much about the future lately (I seemed to be more keen on planning ahead when I was younger) now I'm mainly living moment by moment, I don't know if that's good or bad. When I was young, I always had this picture in my head of how my life would be in the future, I didn't know if it would turn out the way I wanted, but at least I always thought I had a plan B. now I hardly think of the future, I don't know if it's because it's depressive to think about it, or because none of the things I planned for did happen! I changed a lot as I grew up, and I believe that changed my future to come. Right now I don't know where I stand, I know that I'm studying what I like but I have no idea if that's going to be my career. I know I'm with someone I love but I don't know if we'll ever get married. my life seems hazy and unclear, and I'm just taking it one step at a time, trying as much as I can not to screw it up as I go...

double-standardees .... don't talk to me!!

when a guy wouldn't shake my hand in uni because he thinks it's wrong (or even 7aram), I wouldn't really mind it, it's actually a lot more comfortable for me to walk into a group of people and just say hi without having to pass hi fives to every single person sitting! and besides, I respect everyone's beliefs (no I have no buhdist friends) but you know what I mean...
I know poeple who have suddenly out of the blue grown beards and started acting religious all of the sudden, maybe because they really want to change for the better, but personally I vote for peer pressure, most of these people have no idea what so ever about religion! or maybe they do.. who am I to say??? go ahead, grow a beard, stop hanging around with your girlfriends, bang you head with a hammer and create a zebeebet sala (if you think that only having it is worth the thawab) if it's turning you into a good person then by all means be my guest, I'll be happy for you more than anyone else....
but here's what ticks me off:
one of those "religious" guys is in a foreign country, and guess what? hot babes, no rules, no one looks at you if you hold a girl's hand, hell no one even looks at you if you stick your tongue down her throat! and all of the sudden he turns into this really cool guy; girls are all he hangs out with, he's giving friendly flicks and slaps, he's taking pictures with them and they're like all over him, one under his arm, one around his neck one on his lap for heaven's sake!
okay, so he couldn't resist the temptation, well he's only human afer all, and I shouldn't be judging someone when I'm not perfect (is anyone?)
but the story gets more interesting!
the minute he sets foot home, he's back to being Mr decent again, no shaking hands, grows his beard, it's like he left that other cool guy in that country. but one thing he actually takes home: attitude!!!!
suddenly all the girls in masr are "sanadel" and shabasheb" and "ento fakreen nafsoko banat?"
ya3ni howa ely bro7 ommo ragel???... sorry people.... but I just hate guys who have different standards, who think they can just flip back and forth between personalities! just like guys who've had more girlfriends that they can remember but they wouldn't let their sisters even talk to their guy classmates on the phone!
c'mon, if you're okay with yourself doing somehting wrong, then you might as well be okay with others doing it...
so to all of you double-standardees, tell me why it's "accepted" for a guy to smoke, get high or even get laid, but if a girl does it she's a bitch! there's no discrimination in right and wrong, what's wrong for a girl is wrong for both a guy and a girl! why don't you people get that???
so to my friend (or should I say not really anymore) who got sucked in the foreign life, may I tell you I shall never look at you the same way again. I don't wanna shake your hand when I see you, to tell the truth I don't really wanna see you at all... not until you're honest with yourself at least!

a weird dream

my roommate heard me scream in my sleep last night...
I had a dream in which I was about to get raped, the thing is I always dream in english (weird I know...) ironically enough, this dream was in slang arabic!
I was walking down the street, and a guy comes up to me and sticks a razor to my face and he tells me to come down easily or he's gonna turn my pretty face into a blood map! I start screaming, but in the dream, I can't hear my screams! they're building up inside, and I can hear them inside me but they don't really come out... frustrated as I am I try harder and I actually succeed to hear myself scream, but it's too loud, too real, and I realize I'm dreaming!
next morning my friend tells me I'm too much noise at night!!

passing time...

it's kind of funny that in the last couple of days all my favorite movies have been coming on tv!
two days ago I cried my eyes off watching mandy moore in her innocent days (a walk to remember), today morning they were playing "stepmom" (also a personal favorite) I went out after and when I got back home I found "nemo" (by the way, if anyone hasn't seen this movie, they're missing a lot!)
so that's the good part about my day
here are some other thoughts:
-my friend who shares my room heard me crying the other night, she asked me about it and I said I was just homesick... I didn't say more
-I had an online fight with my boyfriend and eventually told him to go f*** himself, it seemed very justified at the time of the fight, but now I feel like an idiot... he won't talk to me, and I don't know what to do!
-I was about to buy an extremely cheap and extremely sexy bathing suit tday, but somehow I changed my mind on the last minute! some smart ass I am!
-even though I hane't been eating much lately, I feel bloated, it's either diet coke grows you a belly or I'm getting my period soon (hmm... interesting thought, I'm bloated, my face is exploading with pimples, I'm aggressive and moody and ready to bite people's heads off! do you think?!)
-some poeple just piss you off the minute they open their mouth to talk, like this guy whom I have nothing against except the fact that he gets on my nerves! I've been trying to avoid him as much as I can, I always leave the room when he comes and there are other people, my answers to his questions are short and to the pont. but he just enjoys talking to me! and he is VERY talkative, I mean he goes on and on and doesn't stop, and I honestly can't take him... (I thing he's OCD)
-I'm actually trying to force thoughts outta my brain. I can't sleep, that's why I'm rambling...
-I miss my mother, you knwo what? I'm pretty sure that when I go home, the first three days wil pass fine. then we're gonna be fighting agaian! sometimes I wish I could just move out and go visit my parents once a week, my mother and I would be so on good terms (but then I'm afraid my sister will wanna copy me, I don't wanna set a bad example- yeah right)
-I think I have a couple (or more) broken molars, I can't help but think that my eating disorders have something to do with it! I feel so guilty... I seriously need to see the dentist...
-I think I'll try to go sleep now

sick!

well, looks like I finally got to sleep, but cuase I got sicked and was knocked out!
hehe...

lying awake

so my journey turned out to be a total failure! I almost ran outta money, I fought with my friends like crazy, I fought with my boyfriend and now he doesn't wanna see me when I get back. nothing went right, it's a disaster!!!
I'm feeling like sh**
I don't know what to do, I'm so frustrated, nothing in my life is working out the way I want it to.
oh fuck it, I just wanna be alone!
every night I have to cry myself to sleep, I can't sleep, and no matter how tired I am, I can't force myself to stay in bed in the morning! I'm always the first to wake up, and the last one to go to sleep! I miss sleeping peacefully.
I feel like I'm here wasting my parents money on useless things, and I'm not even doing what I want to do.
I know I sound like a wining bitch... honestly I don't care anymore, I spend too many nights crying to care about anything anymore.. I miss home, I miss my mom and dad and sister. I miss them all...