and I wish right now that all the people I know would suffer from amnesia!
I want them all to forget about "this" part of my life, I want them to forget the things I did and everything I said! I want the fool I've managed to make out of myself to be forgotten...
maybe if no one knows about my obsession, I would stop talking about it anymore! maybe if no one remembers, it will be too difficult to tell the story all over again!
I feel sorry for you, my friend, for having to go through this with me. I'm sorry you have to see the tears I cry every night, I'm sorry you have to see how pathetic I've become! I know you hate it, I know you hate the whining and the crying, and I know you are growing more and more sick of my attitude as each day goes by. I'm grateful you haven't yet said a word, but I know you will not be this patient forever!
I myself am getting sick of me!
I cannot believe the number of times I have made a fool out of myself! I think of it all every night and I can't help but wish I was dead before any of this had ever happened!
maybe if I was dead things would have been better for a lot of people, maybe I would have been thought of and remembered instead of being forgotten and considered a burden!
I know I'm on the verge of losing my sanity, shall I tell you the number of times I catch myself talking to the darkness in my room before I go to sleep? or maybe I should tell you of all the times I find myself crying so hard on the phone with one of my friends on the other side without them noticing! or the times my folks almost broke the bathroom door while I was in the shower, because they heard me crying- in a loud almost inhuman voice- and I wouldn't answer them!
most of the times I find myself surrendering to the tears, I let them come, I let them HURT, and I just don't stop unless I have to! other times I don't stop at all, I walk around the house with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes, and somehow my family has managed to selectively blind themselves to the sadness they see in me!
I have become weak, vulnerable and indifferent to everything that once mattered...
I'm rolling downhill and I'm not even reaching out my hands for help.
let me fall into the sweet darkness, nothing can hurt me there...

I don't know what I'm supposed to do when you ask me to stick around and be a good friend, when being your friend causes this much pain!
today I face the facts, and I see things for what they are not what I want them to be.
I have been postponing a death sentence, I have been stupid and naive to think I could change destiny if I willed it strongly enough. but I cannot undo what's meant to be...
the truth is kicking in now, settling, but the tears still fall.
every night I cry myself to sleep, every night I wake up to the nightmares, when I read I spend hours staring at the same line which eventually fades away and I'm blinded by the tears that start falling. I can't write, anything I write about ends up revolving around you. I am empty now that I don't have you and it hurts so bad to realize it

from a distance

she watches him
a glass wall stands between them
how she would like to break through the glass, even if it cut her body in a million places
it wouldn't hurt like it hurts now
to watch him from behind glass
she wants to get to him
she watches in pain
he doesn't even see her
she lays her head on the glass wall and watches a tear roll down her reflected face
she can't get to him
he doesn't see her
he never will...

"Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see…"

I remember when I saw the trailer for the movie "titan" I don't exactly remember which movie I'd gone to see, but I remember that I immediately liked the song and decided that I was going to see the movie, even though it was not Disney.

I also remember that when we were younger, it wasn't that easy to get a certain song that you liked, we didn't have the downloading option we have today, you couldn't get just a single song, you had to buy the whole tape.

I didn't know who sang the song, I didn't quite remember the words but I caught the tune right away, I remember that for weeks it was stuck in my head and I kept humming it over and over…

It was only later that my friend gave it to me on tape, now I have it on my ipod along with a hundred other songs that I usually skip when they play…