insomnia!

I haven't thought about my blog's name in a while, I'd been sleeping very well for the past month. but today I found myself lying awake in bed, like the old days, with nothing but the computer screen in front of me, I found it compulsive to come and talk out the nothingness in my head!
life has been going well for me lately, apart from uni which I'm not at all taking seriously this year, every other thing in my life seems to be going fine. I fixed my problems with my boyfriend, I calmed the storms with me and my mother, I go out a lot, I work out whenever I want, I'm gaining a little weight (ramadan w keda) and I'm still throwing up but it's all manageable! I can't complain. I got my period twice this month so I hadn't really had much of a chance to bond with God, but I'm planning when it's over I'm gonna be good, insha2allah...
I've been thinking about some other stuff as well...
my sister has been nagging my mother like crazy for the past two weeks to let her see a psychiatrist, she's sociophobic (NOT antisocial!) she loves people, and she loves hanging out with them but she gets scared in gatherings, she gets tongue-tied and absolutely terrified, and it's been causing her hell lately. she didn't complain at first (and we thought she didn't mind ) because she was in school with the rputaion of the quiet girl who doesn't like talking to anyone, you talk to her and she'll look the other direction and you'll get the impression that she doesn't even hear you...(how painful is that?) well, I guess she found it easier to tolerate that reputaion thatn to try and talk poeple out of it or make a couple of friends and prove them wrong!
but now that she's been in uni a couple of years, she still doesn't have any friends, only a couple, but she doesn't go out with them and she doesn't talk to them on the phone, nothing (so do you really call them friends???)
it's a lot more complicated than that, but I'm too sleepy to get into more details, which I might do if I have the chance later...
I'll try to sleep now
I have uni tomorrow at 8, this is so not right!

what is this world coming to?!!

I was out for iftar with my school friends last week, a kind of reunion with people I haven't seen for a long time, it was so good seeing them, seeing how much people have changed, and realizing how much I myself have changed.
it was a little strange to see almost all my friends graduated and working- poeple that, in my mind, are usually thought of with uniforms and school bags- some are working in computer companies, some in banks, but what I noticed is that most are working as teachers (!!!!)
and here's my first impression, okay, I understand an "alson" graduate to work as an english teacher for second graders, but what I don't get is, a girl who hardly passed in the faculty of commerce ALSO teaching english for young children, and in a highly respectable school!!!!
okay, please don't get me wrong, I'm not offending anyone here (and if it's anyone it's my friends) I'm just discussing something that struck me as "VERY DISAPPOINTING"!!
what is this country coming to?!
I know these girls who are now teachers, and I can tell you, three out of four know NOTHING about english rules, ya3ni mesh 3ashan bye3rafo ye3wego lsanhom w y7awlo yetkallemo zay el aflam el english, yeb2a y3allemo el 3eyal!!! what makes me really sad is that I sat and talked with my friend, who I think represents most of the young teachers in schools right now, all she seemed interested in was how "hot" the kids in prep and secondary classes were, and how "cool" the teachers were, they're all "our" age, w safleen mote, she regards the kids as "little devils", and he smart ones as "el da77a7een el 3o2ad" and she's proud that she treats them like shit in class , she likes the cute ones...
well, excuse me, I might seem a little exagerrating here but what my friend told me really shocked me! if these are the teachers teaching in our schools right now, then hell I don't want my kids going to school!
I'm not saying that kids should turn into "da77a7een w 3o2ad" or that teachers themselves should turn into that, God forbid! all I'm saying is: teaching is a VERY important job and should be taken seriously, because a teacher shapes children's futures! I don't know about you, but I used to idolize my english teacher when I was in second grade, and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been a ten year old with great writing abilites for her age. and I still blame my art teacher for "fadya fadya, ana 3yzaki temly el saf7a" had a great potential to paint a lot better that I do now...
I hope my friend is not an example to the teachers in schools right now, because if she is then God be with all children. I know our education system is corrupt as it is, but do you expect it to get any better if you get an "alson" graduate who was adaby in thanaweya to teach "science" for third graders?!!!
I know I might be taking this a little too seriously, maybe cause I was a "nerd" in school, and I'm in a faculty of the poeple who take education very seriously, if you're not from the top 200 then you're nothing!
pease, if you're a good teacher or you know any good teachers, tell me what I heard from my friends is not entirely true!

3 wishes

if you had a magic lamp, and could get three wishes granted, what would they be?
note: you can't wish for more wishes!

breakdown

well, someone said that when you hit the bottom, the only way left to go is up! obviously, they never lived my life!!!
it's like the past couple of weeks I've been going from bad to worse and it just doesn't seem to stop. I'm getting tired, I AM human afterall!!!!
I don't know what to do, I feel trapped.
all I wanna do is curl under my bed and pretend I don't exist
I'm not up to any of this anymore, I'm just not strong enough
too many good things in my life have been taken away, I don't know what's next!!!
I just want it all to end
if I knew I was that much pain to the people I love, I would have chosen not to live at all

going downhill!

maybe to people who read this blog I might seem as a strong confident independant person sometimes, disturbed yes (and hence my name) and depressed a lot (aren't we all?) but I tend not to show my weaknesses when I write to myself, and when I write here it's the closest thing to doing that.
the only thing I wrote in my profile ws "here I shall be what I dare not show to the world", and this is true, if someone who knew me read this they wouldn't really know it's me (of course there ae exceptions) but on the outside, I'm your average girl, friendly, nice and sweet. a little moody, with serious self esteem issues. but other than that I'm fine...
but when I'm alone, I get depressed a lot, there are a lot of times I lay in bed crying for no logical reason, I tend to feel sorry for myself a lot (and that's something I hate) so I'm trying to look at the bright sides in my life and thank God for the things I already have so He wouldn't take them away from me.
I am considered pretty lucky, I have very good parents who tried their best to bring me up, it's not their fault something went seriously wrong along the way. I have a younger sister who looks up to me as if I were from heavens (even though she's a lot better than me) I have lots of friends who put up with the nasty bitch I become sometimes, and I have (had, I don't really know) someone very special who really loves me...
I'm rambling here, not really makin sense, but there is a point to all I'm saying. maybe I won't reveal it today because the pain is too raw for me to talk about it in the open - but then again, it's not reall the open, it's not like anyone here knows me, or do they??!
I'm about to break up for the second time, for different but almost the same reasons...
remember that time I had an online fight with my boyfriend and told him to go f*** himself?! I thought we were over that, obviously we're not!!!
he doesn't wanna be with someone who won't show him the respect he deserves
and I'm scared to be with someone who's not willing to forgive me for something I'd done and regretted!!!
of course it's a lot more complicated than that.
but right now, I'm just left wth the frustration of not being able to make him forgive me! he doesn't wanna break up, but like I said I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't forgive ad forget! because I may be a bitch sometimes, and I may snap out and bite someone sometimes, but I cool down very easily, ana tayeba awy!! and I never do anyone any harm on purpose, and if that ever happens I don't sleep till they're okay with me!!! and now here he is, the one person I love most in the world, and he sees nothing but ugliness and evil in me, and he's asking me to go on?!!! I don't know if I can do that. I won't be able to handle that look in his eyes everytime I mess things up! C'mon, I'm not an angel, and I'm bound to do something wrong sooner or later!
I don't know what to do. like I said, I wish I could urn back time and fix things but I can't, hell if I could guarantee that he'd get amnesia and not die if I hit him with a stick on the head I'd do it!!!!
I'm so lost, I miss talking to him, I miss the good times we had. now it's all quiet and awkward between us and it's my fault. he'll never see me the same way he used to before, and it will kill me everytime it feels like he loves me less because of something about me that I can't really change!!! even if I do change, I don't think he's really wiling to totally forget about all the things I'd done to him!
it's just a remake of the story of me and my mother, too many disappointments in a row, too many times I hurt her she was never able to purely love me. and the more I tried to make things right the more I messed things up, the more she loved me less! and so I gave up! and even though my mother and I are over the fights we had a long time ago, there's always this painful histiry between us everytime we talk. and even though she's the person I love most in this world, she's the one person I would give anything to make proud, I know that everytime she looks at me he eyes reflect nothing but disappointment and despair!!!
and it would be just too much pain for me to go through tha with him, I'd rather leave now, with a few sweet memories and a few bad ones, than stay and watch his love for me turn into hate!

if you don't like my attittude...

have you ever felt the frustration of not being able to satisfy the one person you love most?!
well, it feels like sh**! to know that you have reached a point with that someone where you can't really turn back or forget about the past. they know you for who you relly are, and the history between you has so much pain.
sometimes you just want the past to be forgotten, you wish you could start over and make things right this time, but you've just run out of second chances, no mater how hard you try to change, they know what you are, and you know they know! and they hate what they see in you, and you try to convince yourself that it doesn't hurt, but it does...
I'm sorry I wasn't good to you, I wish I could turn back time but I can't, and it's too late now.

rambles

for a long time I wanted to write, for a different reason each time I kept putting it off, several times I actually wrote stuff, but never got around to publish (you can't imagine how many unpublished drafts I have in this blog!) a lot has been on my mind lately, here's as much as I can share at the moment
-I'm having the worst ramadan in my life, every year I prove to myself that I am a worse person than I thought, I don't even know why I'm fasting, it's like the only thing I'm doing !
- it seems like I'm going to be having a s***ty academic year, everything is unclear and confusing, the system is corrupt, and I know I have to go along, I can't exactly change the world! (what is this country coming to?!)
-I'd stopped throwing up completely during this summer (well, exclude that last time I wrote about) since I was with my friends and always around people, also because I didn't really need to throw up, being on vacation naturally makes you lose weight, so I was literally a stick. I started again a couple of days ago, as visciously as before it's not even funny! and I can't tell anyone about it, I'm feeling like enny zawwedt el mawdoo3, and I'm making people sick! my mother just doesn't understand anymore, and my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to stop it, even if he does try to help, making me promise not to do it doesn't really work, it's a compulsion I really can't help it, and it hurts so much to be this weak and pathetic!!!
I really want to stop, I need professional help, I'm starting to get dental problems and that's what's obvious. only God knows what's going on in my system! I have to stop doing this!
-I've been feeling very distant from everyone lately, somehow I don't mind.
-I'm on very good terms with my mother, that makes me worry sometimes.
-I've been thinking a lot about my school friends, I miss them a lot, I wanna see them.
-enough of that, I sound like a drunk